Arnold tossed and turned in his bed all night, various thoughts running through his head.  Tomorrow was the big day, and he was unsure of the outcome.  What he was even more unsure of, and was honestly more worried about, was what he had felt against his leg when Paublo and him had shared a final hug before parting for the night.  But he tried to push those thoughts to the back of his head for the time and focus on the job tomorrow.  Did they make kingsized Twinkies?  Stop! Concentrate!  If he didn’t get a good night’s sleep and wake up on top of his game tomorrow people might die, and not just the ones he wanted to die.  Ones?  Had he already decided that he wanted Paublo to die because of the awkward embrace?  No, he realized, Paublo and he had something special in their friendship and no weird hug was going to change that.  He had begun to consider the benefits of that butthole Benjamin dying, though, and subconsciously decided it would be for the best if he did.  Then Paublo and he would be able to split the money, and they wouldn’t have to deal with his buttholish ways.  Maybe he could trick Benjamin and Chico into shooting each other, hopefully in a way that said “hey look, this man is a real butthole and this other man is a liar who you should never believe if he told you about his activities with certain upstanding members of society.”

Suddenly an owl appeared on his windowsill and began staring at him.  This was no coincidence, Arnold realized, this must be a sign.  If he kept eye contact with the owl long enough something important would be revealed.  He must know the secrets this owl holds, for it could mean life or death tomorrow.  Arnold sat up in his bed and dangled his short stubby legs over the side.  Readjusting his bed gown for maximum comfort, Arnold locked eyes with the owl.  “Share your secrets, you beautiful creature.  Tell me that which I must know.”

At 7 am the owl flew off the windowsil, having revealed no secrets and twice relieving himself on Arnold’s floor.  The first time Arnold believe this to be a sign, and tried to determine what the shape of the splatter resembled, to no avail.  The second time he began to suspect that the owl was just being a jerk.  By 4 am Arnold started to realize that he was not going to be gaining any great knowledge from the creature, but also realized that if he went to be now he would probably oversleep and miss the whole heist.  So he stayed up with the owl all night and told it stories of his childhood.  When the owl ultimately flew away he felt as if a close friend had abandoned him, and a bit of sadness came over him.

The sadness quickly disappeared as he realized that the big day had finally come.  Today was heist day!  He lept off the bed and ran down the hall to the bathroom screaming at the top of his lungs, “aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”  After turning on the shower he did a little dance in front of the mirror and double checked the heist clothes he had laid out the night before.  He hoped they were cool enough that no one would think he was a lame heister.  He wondered what Pablo was going to wear to the heist, probably something really awesome that would make his heist clothes look lame.  But that was ok, because best friends get over that stuff.  He hoped that Chico wore something nice looking, because it was the last thing he’d ever wear.  He bet that Benjamin would wear something brown, because he was a giant asshole.  “Booyah Benjamin,” he thought to himself, “you just got schooled at the Arnold Academy!”

After a warm, relaxing shower and a large bowl of Cheerios Arnold put his sawed off shotgun and ski mask into his carrier bag and headed outside.  It was a warm spring day so he decided to take his bike to work instead of driving.  It was good for the environment, and the warm air on his face might help him keep his focus.  As he ramped off the sidewalk he thought to himself, “Congratulations Arnold, this is the first day of the rest of your life,” and smiled at the wonderful sentiment.

Arnold took one last draw of his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and grinding the last bit of life from it with his heel.  This had been his sixth cigarette today, an awefully high number considering he had never smoked a cigarette before in his life.  Of course this was an unusual day, for today he was going to pull of the greatest bank robbery known to man.

As he entered the abandoned KFC he took note of his crew one last time.  Chico was an exotic dancer with a penache for intimidating threats.  He would be the pointman in this heist and with any luck the only one shot, for Chico held a few too many memories that Arnold wouldn’t mind seeing blown away.  Paublo was the gunman with a heart of gold, and the aim of a lifetime Marine.  It was just pure luck that led Paublo to Arnold’s door two weeks ago.  A Habitat for Humanity project had gone awry and ended with three of his ex-convict employees being kidnapped.  The kidnappers had demanded $15,000 per person, knowing that Paublo had recently inherited 3 million dollars from a deceased uncle.  Unfortunately for Paublo, he had immediately donated the entire lot to the local soup kitchen, which spent all of it on fancy rye breads.  He was now desperate for cash, and willing to do anything to get it.  Lastly was Benjamin, the driver, and a real butthead who took every opportunity to prove it.  In fact now that he thought about it Arnold really knew nothing else about Benjamin other than the fact that he was an uncontrollable butthead.  One day Benjamin had just been at the KFC and started acting all butthole-ish.  To be completely honest, Arnold couldn’t even remember if Benjamin knew they were pulling off a heist and that he was supposed to be the driver, because all Benjamin said were butthole things.  He made a mental note to find out if Benjamin even wanted to be a part of the heist tomorrow, and to find a backup driver in case he wasn’t interested.

Arnold headed over to Paublo, who was breaking down and rebuilding a pistol over and over again.  He seemed to do that when he was nervous, but at least he hadn’t moved up to the big guns yet.

“How are things going?” asked Arnold, nervously reaching for another cigarette from the carton he had impulsively bought earlier in the day.

“I was just thinking,” replied Paublo, “I’m not even sure that Craig is part of the gang.”

“Who?”

“That guy, over there, Craig.” Said Paublo, pointing to Benjamin.

“I could have sworn he told me his name was Benjamin,” said Arnold, as he inhaled on the cigarette he had just lit. He made a mental note to buy more, it definitely made him feel cool to smoke while talking to someone.

“Really? I’m pretty sure he told me his name was Craig. Either way, he’s a real butthole.” A spring snapped out of the pistol and Paublo caught it in mid-air.

“I was thinking the same thing!” said Arnold as a look of surprise and total pleasure filled his face.

“Oh… my… god… it’s like we are reading each other’s mind!” replied Paublo, waving his hands around with excitement.

“I know! I know!” shouted back Arnold.  Without thinking both men grabbed hands and began skipping in circles.  Arnold basked in the moment, for it was at that time he realized that he had found his new best friend.  His old best friend, if you could call what they did friendship, was Chico.   But again, if all went right Chico would be dead soon.

Well that’s it for tonight.  I kind of like the direction this is going, so I might work on it some more tomorrow night.  Let me know what you think.

wondertaint: I suggest #FancyTatChat… only 13 characters.

chriskottman: @wondertaint ok, #FancyTatChat it is. I like that better. You, sir, are a genius

wondertaint: @chriskottman or I peaked way too early into the #FancyTatChat…

chriskottman: @wondertaint ok, so lets get this started. My first Twinterview is with Billy Short aka @wondertaint . He’s a writer/blogger #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint First off, thanks for joining me for this. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Thank you for letting me pop your twinterview cherry (it means a lot to me). #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint So recently you’ve really started writing a lot. You blog twice a week, and write scripts for your Short Shorts #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman You’ve done your research. These things are facts. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint What motivated you to start doing all of this? Have you always been interested in writing? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I’ve been fond of my writing since middle school. Only after 48HFP did I gain the confidence to use it for fun. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Well I’m glad you’ve found that confidence, you’ve done some real good stuff. Do you prefer blogging or scripts? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Scripts. I’m a fan of comedy, so trying to create my own is a lot of fun. The blog is more intimidating. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint In terms of your scripts, you’ve written (or at least provided the narrative for) all of the Short Shorts, right? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman All two of them and the upcoming eight or so. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint So you have eight more written and ready to film? Any idea when the next one will be out? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I’ have three scripts ready to film, so hopefully within the next two weeks the dudes’ll have some free time. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman UT OH! First erroneous use of an apostrophe in a #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint That’ll be awesome. I have to say the knife joke during Punking an Immortal killed me. Where did it come from? #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint the mistakes are what make it beautiful, they never show in spoken interviews #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I wrote that in the night before we shot it, not planning to actually show knives until I saw Mike’s collection. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Mike being Mike from the video ( @RotisserieGold )

wondertaint: @chriskottman UT OH! First nonuse of #FancyTatChat tag in a #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Well the reveal was definitely great. Speaking of Mike, who are the other members in your Short Shorts? #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint I’ll make sure to add it in, you’re making all kinds of firsts for #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman There’s also @akcares (AK), our buddy Zac, and hopefully most of the Perm Whale team. Maybe someday, women… #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Well I’m up for helping if you need me. While we’re talking about Perm Whale, lets discuss 48HFP. Shall we? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman 48HFP, ftw. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint We were on team Perm Whale together last year, making a film called The Harry S Truman Show. What was that like? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman It was my first experience writing for video w/ a team (challenging) or otherwise, but it’s a ton of fun. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Besides writing, you also played Harry S Truman in the video. How was it to actually act out the role you wrote? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Taft was more fun, but playing both was interting. I don’t see myself acting much more, as I prefer directing. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: UT OH! FIRST HORRIBLY MISPELLED WORD IN A #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Did you mean interesting? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: UT OH! FIRST FORGETTING TO REPLY TO @chriskottman IN A #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Well I think the response to you was good, unlike to my director character. Taft Punk Definitely killed people #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint You’re going to get all the firsts this way #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I most certainly did. Acting is a lot of fun, if only I were a bit more Clooney and a bit less Goldthwait. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Who are your influences, writing or acting wise? I know that UCB is a group you often watch. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman It didn’t help we shot your character in the darkest, cheapest set-up possible. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman The UCB are by far and away my biggest influence, but @thelonelyisland inspire me a lot as well – funny friends. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Is the mixture of comedy and music that @thelonelyisland does something you want to try? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman We’ve actually recorded 2 songs that we’ll be making videos for this Spring, so yes. No comparison to TLI. tho. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Wow, that’ll be cool. I hope the phrase isn’t insulting, but you’re a pretty big music snob, aren’t you? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman As much as any person who listens to ska can be, I suppose. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman BTW, I hope you’re watching Delocated on Adult Swim. It is skawesome. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint I am actually watching it, it is fantastic. Definitely has that weird disturbing undertone that makes it fun. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Well you are definitely vocal about music you don’t like. I can remember multiple tweets about music @ the Fleur #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Jon Glaser is an upcoming influence of mine (as is Galifianakis, HJ Benjamin, Eugene Mirman, etc.) #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman As you know, sometimes the stereo @FleurCinema is hijacked by tasteless idiots. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint HJ Benjamin is definitely an understated guy for his comedic ability. He’s hilarious. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman The way I see it, if you listen to the Smiths, you should be banished to a small island near Greenland. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman He probably really wouldn’t like being called HJ Benjamin… #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Probably not, for reference we are talking about H Jon Benjamin, but Twitter space required we reduce it. #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman My band is playing at the Mews in Des Moines on Wednesday night… otherwise, nothing we haven’t yet discussed. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint What is the name of your band again? And is there any way that we can follow where you will be playing? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Driving While Stupid (awful ska/punk – myspace.com/dws515) #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I suppose I’ll also plug wondertaint.wordpress.com & youtube.com/wondertaint #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Ok, I’ll definitely remember to link those for you on here. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint One last question before we close, if you could have one conversation with someone on Twitter, who would it be? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Anybody from UCB if they were on here or if I wasn’t a shy baby/was a suave cool dude, @ingridmusic (<3<3<3). #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint That was a lame question, so one more. If you could burn a bridge with one celebrity right now, who would it be? #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman I want to build a bridge with all celebrities (who can get me in touch w/ famous funny people). #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman … and burn bridges w/ Jeff Bridges. #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Nice, you and Jeff Bridges will be partner arsonists #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman Has there been a “Burning Bridges”reality show yet? #FancyTatChat

chriskottman: @wondertaint Ok, well thanks for taking the time to be interviewed. I appreciate it, and good luck on your future projects #FancyTatChat

wondertaint: @chriskottman THX! I look forward to all future FancyTatChats and seeing some projects coming out from your mind gollums! #FancyTatChat

And there you have it, the first Fancy Tat Chat.  Hopefully I can do these on a regular basis with friends and maybe a celebrity or two who is bored enough to be interviewed by a regular guy who just finds people interesting.

The entrance to the theatre, the box office to the left.  It’s fairly unassuming but looks nice enough.

The Box Office, showtimes are posted on the board at the top.  It’s a pretty big pain to update each day on weekends.

Here is my concession stand, very old school classic with the mirror behind and a candy display build in.

The posters are off to the left of the concession counter.  I’m working on repairing them right now, as they have fallen into disrepair lately.

Our Ice Age 2 Standee.  Just thought it was kind of cool looking so I added it in.

The long hallway, this goes to our two biggest theatres, while the other two are just off to the sides of the concession stand.  We have lots of stuff up for Monsters Vs Aliens right now, which we will hopefully be getting in 3D

Theatre 3, just before a show was starting.  It hold about 130 people.

Theatre 4, around the same time.

Here is one of our platters and projectors, not a great view but you can see how small the two small projection booths are.

The stairs up to our projection booths and office.  We have a banner for Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Big Momma’s House 2, and Date Movie hanging there for some reason.

The break room, full of old bus shelters and standees.  I plan to get rid of them soon, but for now they’re just hanging out.

My office, sort of a mess right now, but hopefully I will find time to clean it soon.

Here is one of our build up tables.  It took me a while to get used to the horizontal tables again after years of using vertical tables.  This thing is a beast though, and can build up a reel in under 2 minutes.

The DTS system.  Not a great view, but it sort of looks dangerous with no light.

The back side of one of our projectors, with a haunting glow.

Our really old projectors, from the early 70s I think.  They have had more cosmetic work done than Joan Rivers.

Well thats my theatre, nothing too exciting but I didn’t really have time to type anything else up.  Hopefully this week will calm down and I can get back into some sort of habit.  We’ll see.

My entryway, a nice staircase where I can swing down paintcans on unsuspecting robbers.

The hallway right up the stairs.  The bedroom is at the end of the hall, and I hung three of my movie posters there.

Off to the right is the kitchen.  My new kitchen is huge, which is going to be awesome for once I start cooking again.  At the bottom left of the picture is my kitchen table.

Here is my barren fridge, absolutely nothing to eat right now.

My freezer, I have a little more food in there.  Lots of stuff for the Brinner I was planning to make last night.

My work area, at the top of the stairs.  That is my new writing laptop on top of the printer.  Its really nice for when I need to get away and write without distractions.

My living room, which is right off of the kitchen.

Here is a better shot of the living room, with my movie collection along the left wall.  The wall on the other side of the room has my Alien Limited Edition poster.

A better shot of my movie collection.  The boxes in front have some of my books, which I no longer have shelf space for.  I’m working on that.

Here are the three posters in the Hallway; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Serenity (signed by Nathan Fillian), and The Punisher (signed by Thomas Jane)

My insanely huge bathroom, its about twice as big as the bathroom was in my old apartment.

Here is the bedroom at the end of the hall.  Those are sliding glass doors that lead out onto my porch.  Not exactly the best place to have a porch, but the light in the morning is incredible.

My closet is also really big, not quite as big as my old one, but it looks nicer and I am trying not to overcrowd it like I did last time.

While I am here I might as well talk about the writing I am doing right now.  My friend Mike reminded me of an old script that I wanted to work on a few years ago called Afghani-Stan about a down-on-his-luck singer from the early 80s who finds a rejuvenated following in Afghanistan after the US government sets up government run  radio stations that include pro-US lyrics but have a Middle Eastern sensibility.  He uses that popularity to tour and give concerts in Afghanistan, until the war in Iraq leads to Afghanistan returning to an insanely dangerous warzone.  Labeled as anti-American by the Right, he must find a way to keep his fame while saving his life.  Admitedly that sounds very disjointed, but I have a pretty good spine of the story developed so hopefully it will work out.

Until next time, take care!

Backhanded Compliment Review – Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the story of a Mall Security Guard by the name of Paul Blart.  When the mall is overrun by thugs, he is the only person on the inside who can stop them.  Armed with his trusty Segway, can he save the day and get the girl?

Right off the bat you know this movie is going to be excellent, because they put the extra effort in to give the main character a goofy name like Paul Blart.  This already puts the film on par with such scinematic classics as Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow, another Happy Madison production coincidentally.  Of course Rob Schneider is no Kevin James.

Mr. James; or as I like to think of him, the working man’s Jim Belushi, is the star of Mall Cop.  Of course you probably know him from King of Queens, a popular sitcom similar to the Damon Wayans starring My Wife and Kids or the Jim Belushi vehicle According to Jim (there I go with the Belushi comparisons again).  While According to Jim has outlasted The King of Queens, I applaud Mr James from moving from a TV show where he worked alongside such actors as Jerry Stiller to movies where he plays a fake gay lover to Adam Sandler and a hacky sack tournament judge for Adam Sandler.

But how is the movie?  Well sometimes there are films that you watch, and it just amazes you.  This is one of those films.  I was absolutely in awe while watching this film unfold before my eyes.  For example, did you know that someone riding on a segway for an hour and a half could be consistantly hilarious?  Because I don’t either.  But they go for it, and its amazing.  By the way, just a side note, do you remember when they were first announcing they segway and they said that cities were going to be built in order to take advantage of the awesome form of travel this little vehicle could provide?  And how this was going to be a revolution in travel?  Oh segway, how far you have come.

I won’t spoil the movie for you, he saves the day and gets the girl, but let me end my review with this one last bit of information that may help you when making your decision.  This whole review is based on the 10 minutes I saw before I walked out.  Of course it wasn’t because of the movie that I left, I just had to go to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and then never returned.  As far as the movie knows I just died along the way.  Of course sometimes I still watch it through a window to see how it is doing, and I have to admit I’m a little ashamed.